“In the future, I will study creativity and how it rules the lives of artists most especially writers. If you heard about the Psychology of Creative writing, I want to bring it to the Philippines. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll be the kind of Psychologist that practices Expressive Arts Therapy and I will promote creative writing as a coping mechanism. These are some parts of my Psych major plan. My writer’s plan is something as daring as becoming a published author, making a mark in the Philippine Literature and the best part – changing people’s lives.”
Here’s a part of the autobiography I am writing for my Principles of Guidance subject. I posted this part because I like the end product. :D
Yesterday, I was really sick. I have a high fever, my head is terribly aching, my joints are in pain, my whole body is in pain and my throat is full of phlegm (yikes!). I took the whole day to rest, waking up only to eat and take my meds. Saturday night, I’m still not feeling well and even asked a cousin to massage my head and feet, believing it will help me recover fully. Sadly, it didn’t work.
The next morning, I am feeling almost the same only the fever is almost gone. Now, the phlegm in my throat is bothering me. I am coughing every minute then puke the little phlegm I can get out of my system. I can’t be separated from our sink. Ugh. My throat is aching out of serious coughing.
The hard part of being sick in the middle of business is that things are awaiting you: our plan of activities expected to be submitted tomorrow, our speech choir performance on Aug. 22 which I failed to attend the practice last Saturday, articles to be written, stuff of The Centerpost to be accomplished, and school stuff I should finish! Gah, I just feel like crying. Dear God, I am a weakling.
I think the sickness is the cause of over fatigue. I went home too late for the past week, waking up too early and going to school with a heavy load in my bag(with my heavy laptop in it).
Also, I am exhibiting signs and symptoms of another disease. I am becoming depressed(usually I’m not), I am becoming pessimistic which is so not me, I’m having heart palpitations without coffee, my hands are trembling without a reason and my normal menstrual cycle is destroyed. If the disease is real and will be confirmed through blood test, I think I have no choice but to leave my current position. It’s not like cancer or what but you just know when your body can’t perform the job. You just know when your body is shouting “enough!”
You just know when you are incapable anymore. I think it is slowly happening. I think I am becoming incapable.
Now I am asking, is it a mistake that I accepted the position? Or is it a matter of wrong timing?
6:24 PM, 8/17/2014
To serve the school publication is not my niche. It’s not my forte, it’s not my strength. But here I am.
Our team gave their best for the second magazine release. It took our sleep, our leisure time, our supposed to be study time. It’s close to say that it took everything away. We even sacrificed time to be spent with families and friends. We sacrificed a lot.
We got rough days with our first issue. We knew we committed mistakes, we knew it wasn’t the best so we tried hard to claim back what’s lost.
BUT, A BIG BIG BUT…
When you give your best to rebuild what’s been lost and someone starts to break the pieces you’re trying hard to put back(and successfully does), fuck that feeling. It hurts man.
I will never forget this day for my ears got to catch loud shouts and that felt like bad accusations. My ears accepted comments I know it wasn’t meant to hear. My heart’s breaking for something that’s not worth heart breaking(and it should not be breaking).
I don’t want to hate anyone. I just hate that we have to be treated that way. I just hate that the name I carry right now sounds so bad. I just hate the situation that I am carrying a mighty name has a bad reputation it does not deserve. It feels like we are stereotyped as the worst. It feels like we are not required to be human because we are required to be perfect.
If you’re a writer and your work is being criticized, the criticism is not meant to hurt you. It’s not really. The comments are meant for the paper. Maybe you know how it feels like to feel wasted. Wasted in a way that your 100% efforts feels like nothing. There’s no little bit appreciation, even just a little bit.
Maybe it hurts this way because I was one with the paper. I gave everything, my heart including my soul in it. I love it so much that even though my life already had its big issues, I still chose to serve the paper(with a lot of issues associated with it). I still accepted the position Editor-in-Chief.
I still accepted it even though it is totally out of my comfort zone. I have dreams as a romance writer and I know I have to sacrifice parts of them for the paper. There will be a big delay for the romance writer side for her goals for this year needs/demands to be postponed.
I am sacrificing a big part of my career as a novelist, as a blogger, as the writer for my solid readers. I will be sacrificing a lot for this paper and on the end of this semester, I don’t want to feel as wasted as this.
Don’t judge. I’m just hurt. I’m really hurt. I’m not done crying. So just let me.
(Reminding myself that it’s just a paper, the paper’s the only one being criticized, not my whole being. Reminding myself that this will be the last time I’ll cry because of this. Reminding myself that after this, I will be better.)
8/13/2014 8:55 PM
Last year, I was able to enter The Centerpost, the official publication of my school, Manila Tytana Colleges (formerly Manila Doctors College). I was excited and scared at the same time because I was clueless in the world of campus journalism. I was not a campus journalist in high school, mark that. All I have was a little skill on constructing sentences that can be considered news.
But I have a close professional relationship with our Editor-In-Chief. Hands-on, he taught me how to fabricate news and features articles, and even taught me how to edit them. In no time, I was producing a lot of articles and I enjoy the process. In no time, I was promoted to be the Assistant News Editor.
Over the whole summer, I contemplated on the question “Should I stay on The Centerpost or not?”
I have a lot of reasons not to stay, one is I wanted to focus on my fiction works in progress(saw that? I said workS”). I wanted to because they are sleeping for a long time. I mean “sayang!”
Also, the editorial work will drain all the energy from your body (literally). Add the bullsh*ts of an environment you can’t control, stir, mix and enjoy the bittersweet process. Staying on the Editorial board feels like being inside the arena of the Hunger Games. There’s no safe zone, one wrong move and you’re dead.
But we are still alive. I am still alive. I am breathing and I surprisingly took the qualifying exam for this year.
I took the qualifying exam, wrote an editorial about the publishing scheme we have these days and hoped that I won’t pass. Hehe. I really wished I will fail the exam. What kind of thinking is that, right? I may be out of my mind.
A week after the exam, we’re called for the interview. Tah Dah! The EDITORIAL BOARD interview. During the interview proper, nakakaramdam na ako. Para kasing iba ang mga tanong sa akin(haha, biglang nag Tagalog).
Habang naghihintay ng results, ang daming nagsasabing baka ako ang maging “the one”.
Kung paano ko nalaman na ako nga, ay isang unfortunate event pa. Kasalanan ng tropa ko, kasi naman eh na-tsismis niya agad eh hindi pa lumalabas ang official results. Kaya hinintay ko ang official announcement at habang naghihintay ng official, mine-mentor na ako ni former EIC how to be an EIC naman. Oh, ‘di ba? Ang taray!
Alanganin padin kasi talaga ako. Parang, “Ako? Weh? Talaga? ‘Di nga?” ang peg ko.
First Day as (Official) EIC
Wow, okay. Hindi na OA ang reaction unlike noong unang narinig ko. Umiyak ako noong unang beses kong marinig dahil sa tuwa. Pangarap ko kasi ito. Pangarap na tila napakalayong maabot pero nangyari. Wow, thank You Daddy God.
Pakiramdam ko kaya ko. Pakiramdam ko, kaya ng Editorial Board ngayon. Pakiramdam ko, taon namin ngayon. Ewan ko lang ha, confidence? Hmmm.
May tiwala ang mga tao sa paligid ko na kaya ko, kaya dapat pagkatiwalaan ko rin ang sarili ko.
8/1/2014 – official Editor-In-Chief of The Centerpost. *bow*
My Firsts With Him, my very first baby and love story is now a self-published book. I want to thank all of the people who made this dream possible. :D
For those who are interested to buy, please fill up this form(Sure buyers only, please): https://docs.google.com/forms/d/11_6pQJJbzGUshrezvxyes4tEtvN413Y3PQvO1YNAniY/viewform
For inquiries, reach me here: facebook.com/memealberts
Thank you :D
P.S. I’ll post a longer blog post about the self-publishing journey next time. :D